sometimes i really wonder...Is it true? or it is fake and all that they do is actually trying to use me. and come on people.. I'm not a 3 year old kid. I can feel it when you're actually up to something okay! Why do you people need to make it so fucking obvious that every single time you take the initiative to find me or talk to me is bcoz there's something that you need from me!!?
I am a human too okay. I don't fucking deny that i 'used' people as well. Using someone is actually a very harsh word i know after all you people will say it's just helping friends. ya, when you put it in a nice way it is called 'help each other' but when you wanna say it the harsh way you're just fucking using her! At least all this while i wanted people to help me I'd show my initiative first to help people before expecting someone to help me. everytime i use my true heart to treat you as a friend. A TRUE FRIEND. i don't fucking mind you use me but pls!! MAKE ME FEEL WORTH IT YOU MORON! DON'T KEEP CONFUSING ME FOR I DO NOT KNOW WHEN THE HELL IS IT YOU ASK ME OUT OR ASK ME SOMETHING BECAUSE U WANTED TO ASK ME OR IS BECAUSE BEHIND THOSE CONVERSATION YOU ACTUALLY HAS A FUCKING REQUEST YOU WANTED ME TO DO!
FUCK YOU PPL AND PLEASE! ROT AND DIE IN HELL!
YOU'RE MORE WORST THAN THE GARBAGE IN THE WHOLE EARTH!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Suffocated!!!@@
I am suffocated!@!
It is the last semester for god's sake! sometimes i'm really confused. i wanted to get out as soon as i can but there are times as well that i think i will miss whatever i'm having now. friendships, relationship mostly... but...nowadays everything just doesn't go well... everything starts to feel so strange to me. friends, people, even the building. something is totally wrong in my mind!!!!
most of the time, i will sit down and look into empty spaces and many things will come to my mind randomly...too random and when i start to sort things out ...i am blank!!!
so many things to do!!!! assignments, video, mtv, research, thesis, final song, orchestra?! Cello! which one should i focus first...
one thing my lecturer said to me, "estee, you are like a baby, you tend to do things like someone who never think.... u must grow up..dun just play notes, u need to feel what u are playing.
i think and think...i don't really know!! i don't wanna think!!! i just wanna finish this as soon as possible!!!
i am depressed@@ i wanna get out!! i dowan to do things i dowan to do anymore!! just please dun push me! i am going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is the last semester for god's sake! sometimes i'm really confused. i wanted to get out as soon as i can but there are times as well that i think i will miss whatever i'm having now. friendships, relationship mostly... but...nowadays everything just doesn't go well... everything starts to feel so strange to me. friends, people, even the building. something is totally wrong in my mind!!!!
most of the time, i will sit down and look into empty spaces and many things will come to my mind randomly...too random and when i start to sort things out ...i am blank!!!
so many things to do!!!! assignments, video, mtv, research, thesis, final song, orchestra?! Cello! which one should i focus first...
one thing my lecturer said to me, "estee, you are like a baby, you tend to do things like someone who never think.... u must grow up..dun just play notes, u need to feel what u are playing.
i think and think...i don't really know!! i don't wanna think!!! i just wanna finish this as soon as possible!!!
i am depressed@@ i wanna get out!! i dowan to do things i dowan to do anymore!! just please dun push me! i am going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Assignment Frenzy
woa~ assignments assignment. everyday we are showered by assignments. lecturers only knew how to keep mentioning, ' i tau ba korang susah, short semester ni tak banyak masa, semua pun cramp, i pun mau tolong you orang" this is what most of the lecturers will say before they wanna give us assignments. Guess what, after comforting you and assuring you not to worry and stuff, they came up with like...two assignments each weeks..(secara purata) and can you imagine...we have 10 subjects. i;m sure all of you out there can use your hands to counts but i think that wun be enough. i suggest that you use your feets as well..
sigh...every single night before i sleep i will have to think, what assignments that we need to hand in tomorrow? which one had i not done yet? and so on..the list of assignments just never shorten but in fact, it is getting longer. don;t get me wrong eh, it's not that i am lazy to do..i'm doing since the day before i back to kajang.
nowadays many thoughts have come hit me on my brain. i hate it when i am covered, stuffed by loads and loads and assignments i still tend to have the milisecond to think about something i should not be thinking about. sigh, i realise one thing recently, when i thought of something i never knew i cared, i tend to shake my head..ppl starts to think if i'm crazy...maybe to them i look like i'm going nuts... in fact i am...this kind of hectic schedule make me misses him more and more...
あなた、あなたはまいにちあうことがほしいです。 しかし いまは わかりましたからしんに あなた だいすきです。まいにち あなたは だんだんだいすきです！
sigh...every single night before i sleep i will have to think, what assignments that we need to hand in tomorrow? which one had i not done yet? and so on..the list of assignments just never shorten but in fact, it is getting longer. don;t get me wrong eh, it's not that i am lazy to do..i'm doing since the day before i back to kajang.
nowadays many thoughts have come hit me on my brain. i hate it when i am covered, stuffed by loads and loads and assignments i still tend to have the milisecond to think about something i should not be thinking about. sigh, i realise one thing recently, when i thought of something i never knew i cared, i tend to shake my head..ppl starts to think if i'm crazy...maybe to them i look like i'm going nuts... in fact i am...this kind of hectic schedule make me misses him more and more...
あなた、あなたはまいにちあうことがほしいです。 しかし いまは わかりましたからしんに あなた だいすきです。まいにち あなたは だんだんだいすきです！
Sunday, May 17, 2009
My last day in Kajang.
16 may 2009 was my last night in Kajang...it sounded like i'm not going to come back eventhough i will but...i still feel sad....i'll be sitting the aeroplane alone this time..i mean really alone ...feel like crying now...
anyhow, today i did alot of things...hehe...today i went out with a friend,ダニエル . we went to alamanda to eat my favourite food. guess what?? i'm sure those who knew me well know ler....yes yes...none other than asam laksa... however, the mee inside the asam laksa like...a bit weird...maybe i complain too much la...make him feel serba-salah only. sorry lo...btw, thanks alot for the cutie doggie picture... bb is really cute and pls put some attention on her ler ba...wun bite de...haha... below is cutie "bb" dunno i spelled it right or wrong.
anyhow, today i did alot of things...hehe...today i went out with a friend,ダニエル . we went to alamanda to eat my favourite food. guess what?? i'm sure those who knew me well know ler....yes yes...none other than asam laksa... however, the mee inside the asam laksa like...a bit weird...maybe i complain too much la...make him feel serba-salah only. sorry lo...btw, thanks alot for the cutie doggie picture... bb is really cute and pls put some attention on her ler ba...wun bite de...haha... below is cutie "bb" dunno i spelled it right or wrong.
anyhow...after the...erm..not so perfect de asam laksa..we went for a walk in alamanda...then we went to big apple..makan again..which i makan little bit other give to him makan...kesian lo..going to b fat...haha..guy fat abit betta u know..i helping u only.. dun blame me.. >.<
btw, during night time which i tot my family will teman me makan dinner but in de end i balik rumah after walk2 with ダニエル i realise nobody actually cares la..sigh..luckily, dear de mama called and asked if wanna makan dinner wit them...and they purposely come fetch me lagi...make me so em hou yi si...haih...had a great family dinner with them then after that went gathering again with my friends...then we went for movie..haih...talking about this movie...haih...pls la u ppl...wanna ffk tell earlier ler...dun wait until ppl buy ticket liao last minute mana cari ppl... in the end...
wasted ticket in my hand.. pay me back simon!
(p/s: you owe me one lo...my last day here u ffk me wo....blanja makan!!!)
Monday, May 11, 2009
とても いそがしかったです！！！
School life has never been so hectic before, i mean it has hectic like always but this is the first time i feel that i was unable to do anything because everything is so conjested!
This is the first time i ever feel that, i am really......useless. Most of the things that i have to do ...but i realised i can't. Things that my coursemates requires few hours to finish it , i need days or weeks, or perhaps even longer duration of time.
I'm not sure anymore or shall i say, i can be quite certain that i won;t be able to graduate with all my fellow classmates. The gap in between us became more and more visible and wider. What i meant was not the relation that we're having, but somehow i do not know how to describe it.
Tomolo I am heading back hometown, i even had a wild thinking that after returning home i would not want to back to Sabah again. These few days, all that i can do is just complaining and complaining. But, this seems to be the only thing that i could do. Sis told me no matter how much i hated it or how hard it is going to be, it is gonna happen anyways, why would i rant and complain all the way and in the end do nothing. Why don't I just face it bravely and do everything that i could. I knew very well which was the things that i supposed to do, however...i still have doubts of what i am capable of~
あした あたしかれに あうことができます。 よかったです。あたし つかれています。やすみが ぜったいほしです！！！
This is the first time i ever feel that, i am really......useless. Most of the things that i have to do ...but i realised i can't. Things that my coursemates requires few hours to finish it , i need days or weeks, or perhaps even longer duration of time.
I'm not sure anymore or shall i say, i can be quite certain that i won;t be able to graduate with all my fellow classmates. The gap in between us became more and more visible and wider. What i meant was not the relation that we're having, but somehow i do not know how to describe it.
Tomolo I am heading back hometown, i even had a wild thinking that after returning home i would not want to back to Sabah again. These few days, all that i can do is just complaining and complaining. But, this seems to be the only thing that i could do. Sis told me no matter how much i hated it or how hard it is going to be, it is gonna happen anyways, why would i rant and complain all the way and in the end do nothing. Why don't I just face it bravely and do everything that i could. I knew very well which was the things that i supposed to do, however...i still have doubts of what i am capable of~
あした あたしかれに あうことができます。 よかったです。あたし つかれています。やすみが ぜったいほしです！！！
Friday, May 8, 2009
i am agitated~
Don't know why, suddenly feel like....not willing to do anything...maybe i'm exhausted....i need a break please...can someone tell me how to go through this 1 n 1/2 months? rushing every day..the whole day u;ll have class non stop from 8 am to 6 pm and in between there;s only one hour rest which is 1pm-2pm and in some other days there's not even an hour for your to rest you thick head.
Oh my god, just by thinking about it...i started to feel dizzy,drowsy and going crazy!!!!!!!!!
the only positive thinking that i can insert to my stuffed brain is, lets hope that my weight will go down due to this stressfull short semester....
cross finger..if i continue get fat during this packed a.k.a hectic schedule...i'll go slit my wrist.
because something is definately wrong with me.!!!
oh ya...i found one of my picture in my buddy's blog....grab it and wanna remind myself...i am very very much fatter than this photo. YOU NEED DIET ESTEE SANG!
Oh my god, just by thinking about it...i started to feel dizzy,drowsy and going crazy!!!!!!!!!
the only positive thinking that i can insert to my stuffed brain is, lets hope that my weight will go down due to this stressfull short semester....
cross finger..if i continue get fat during this packed a.k.a hectic schedule...i'll go slit my wrist.
because something is definately wrong with me.!!!
oh ya...i found one of my picture in my buddy's blog....grab it and wanna remind myself...i am very very much fatter than this photo. YOU NEED DIET ESTEE SANG!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Nothingness
randomness and nothingness. my life is hectic, too many things to do here. can you believe that my last final paper was tomorrow but i've already started the next semester's class today? come to think of it, it was really sad to see all my roommates started to packed their stuff trying to put it into the store because~ they are going to have their 2 months holidays soon. well about me? i'm stuck here for one and the half month because of the short semesters in order to make our industrial training change from 3 months to 6 months.
come on, all of the lecturer's know that it is impossible for the students to cope the studies in this short semesters. you tell me, how are you gonna finish 10 subjects of 14 weeks into 5 1/2 weeks? one subject 2 times lecture in one week? come on, we are human also la, you management people sure no problem for you all cause all you do is sits at the office doing nothin. have you ever imagina that if you're the one who is going to stuff so many stuff into your brain every single day and can you cope? nobody ever think of what will happen to the students or will they be able to cope and stuff. you know why?
because the lecturers and management people don't give a damn about the students at all. i know about the good intentions of trying to ensure us to have a job but come on, use your brain bah, wat is the purpose when the students is rushing like hell to stuff things into the brain but in the end the brain is empty when we go for our industrial training. and then the one who monitors our training realised that we're just a bunch of so called "undergraduates" who know nothing.
god, everyday is so stressful when all we do is rush from this class to that class. all we do is RUSH. don;t care you did a good job or not but just make sure you hand it in. what is the purpose of doing that? we're studying in University, we're rushing to get out of it. if it is like that, what is the purpose of getting into universities whereas what we do is not to gain knowledge but to ignore the importance of absorbing and using the knowledge. all that we do now in this university is rushing to get out as soon as possible regardless gaining knowledge or not.
LIFE IS HECTIC AND PATHETIC NOWADAYS. HOPING THAT SOMETHING OTHER THAN THIS IS GOING TO EMERGE SOON TO COVER UP THIS NEGATIVENESS.
come on, all of the lecturer's know that it is impossible for the students to cope the studies in this short semesters. you tell me, how are you gonna finish 10 subjects of 14 weeks into 5 1/2 weeks? one subject 2 times lecture in one week? come on, we are human also la, you management people sure no problem for you all cause all you do is sits at the office doing nothin. have you ever imagina that if you're the one who is going to stuff so many stuff into your brain every single day and can you cope? nobody ever think of what will happen to the students or will they be able to cope and stuff. you know why?
because the lecturers and management people don't give a damn about the students at all. i know about the good intentions of trying to ensure us to have a job but come on, use your brain bah, wat is the purpose when the students is rushing like hell to stuff things into the brain but in the end the brain is empty when we go for our industrial training. and then the one who monitors our training realised that we're just a bunch of so called "undergraduates" who know nothing.
god, everyday is so stressful when all we do is rush from this class to that class. all we do is RUSH. don;t care you did a good job or not but just make sure you hand it in. what is the purpose of doing that? we're studying in University, we're rushing to get out of it. if it is like that, what is the purpose of getting into universities whereas what we do is not to gain knowledge but to ignore the importance of absorbing and using the knowledge. all that we do now in this university is rushing to get out as soon as possible regardless gaining knowledge or not.
LIFE IS HECTIC AND PATHETIC NOWADAYS. HOPING THAT SOMETHING OTHER THAN THIS IS GOING TO EMERGE SOON TO COVER UP THIS NEGATIVENESS.
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